Dating in your thirties: I need some technology.

When people ask me if I’m happy being single, I feel obligated to say no, because I’m a Nigerian woman in my thirties and that’s what I’m expected to say.

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The truth is that I have experienced more personal joy and creative growth as a single person than I have in any of my relationships.

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It’s a startling and interesting fact to come to terms with.

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‘But Ivie, don’t you want to get married??????????????????????????????? In a few years time, you’ll be 40!!!!’.

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First of all, thanks for reminding me about my age; I’ve been walking around thinking that I was 20 years old. Secondly, of course I want to get married. It’s what has to happen before marriage that exhausts me: dating.

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Dating has been a tedious, noxious and soul-shattering experience for me. Some of my relationships were so traumatic that I have blocked them out of my memory completely.

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I hear about new technology being developed daily to help us become more productive people or to help fight nuclear war against each other. What I really need is technology to make dating easier. And I don’t mean dating apps; no, I have something more sophisticated in mind.

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I’m waiting for the technology that would let me know if I was compatible with a guy simply by shaking his hand, so that I would receive a text message saying ‘good match Ivie, carry on!’ Or ‘this one is verbally and physically abusive and has no regard for you and will not support your writing journey and hates women disagreeing with him and why are you still standing there-runnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!’ That would save me a lot of trouble.

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Yes, this is the kind of technology that I need.

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If any of you come up with this technology, you know where to find me.

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Thanks for reading.

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Ivie.

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